Dear Florence
by Rhamana
Summary: Bakura is your latest Agony Aunt, as volunteered by Ryou to keep him out of trouble. Send us all your questions! Rated T for the obscene amount of bad language I'm expecting XD
1. Prologue

Dear Florence - How it all began..

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><p>"<em>Bakura<em>! Can you please, you know, for _one_ second, stop destroying stuff and listen to me?" Ryou whined, eying Bakura nervously. The Thief King huffed and stopped whatever his ingenious plan was that involved a 2 by 4 plank of wood, a roll of duct tape and Ryou's white kitten Fluffy.

"What is it, _Yadonushi_?" He grinned, using the old namesake to wind Ryou up, as he knew it would.

"Bakura, it's come to my attention that you just sit here all day doing nothing, and when you do nothing you start to do.. Scary stuff." Ryou mumbled, edging closer to the Yami to get Fluffy away from him. Bakura simply smirked and cuddled Fluffy closer.

"And what do you suggest I do then, to alleviate my boredom, oh Wise-Ex-Landlord?" Bakura smirked, leaning back with one leg over the other, petting Fluffy in an attempt to look like some kind of James Bond badguy, yet all he looked like was a demented furby petting a kitten.

"_Well_," Ryou began, wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue. "I thought that this would be a good idea." He paced to the other side of the room where the morning newspaper lay on the coffee table, picked it up and rifled through the pages while pacing back to Bakura before plopping down on the sofa next to him.

Bakura craned his neck to look at the page Ryou was pointing at with his pale fingers.

"You have _got_ to be f-**EFF**-king kidding me." He swore. Ryou grinned and scooped Fluffy away from Bakura before dancing off into the kitchen.

"'Fraid not, 'Kura! Or should I say, Florence!' Bakura scowled after the whitnette, who was now humming happily in the kitchen while the kettle boiled. Scowling down at the paper again, he threw it away in disgust, leaning further back into the sofa with a sulky, sullen look on his face.

_Starting next week, a new voluntary agony aunt/advise columnist, Miss Florence Kitty. Please send her all your questions to our usual postage address._

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><p>;D Please send me all your questions for Florence, either as reviews or private messages!<p> 


	2. Chapter 1

Dear Florence Chapter 1 - And so it begins.

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><p>With a sigh, Bakura tore open the first letter he had received from the god forsaken newspaper company. He had to read the letters, type them out on the laptop he'd been provided with and Ryou had spent HOURS showing him how to use without him either; stabbing it with a very sharp knife, setting fire to it, sending it to the Shadow Realm or all of the above, before emailing his finished transcript back to the offices. It was a stupid process and Bakura wished that whoever had decided to mail all the letters had had the foresight to just EMAIL them to him instead of giving him the extra work.<p>

Sighing, he decided the best plan of attack would be to read it once, type it then come up with the reply while he was typing.

_Dear Florence,_

_I have a friend who is borderline anti-social and has a fear of crowds, she has agreed to go to an acquaintances party but she is now freaking out about the alcohol and other stuff since it is a student party not one controlled by mature adults. What should she do to stop from having a complete panic attack before the party?_

_Also, I have a friend who has this guy who is constantly trying to kill her. He has succeeded a couple of time but she won't die but he has also tried to send her to the Shadow Realm a couple of times too. What should she do to stop this?_

_Angel_

The sound of tapping filled the small living room of his and Ryou's apartment as he began to type out the letter. He could hear Ryou in the kitchen and demanded in a loud, whiney voice that he bring him coffee seeing as he's been forced into doing this. "Whatever you say Florence!" Ryou called back, barely keeping the laughter out of his voice. It took all of Bakura's self-restraint to NOT throw the laptop out of the window.

_Dear Angel,_

_Is your friend stupid? I can understand her being afraid of crowds and stuff, but what does this have to do with a college party? Once she's had a few she might actually loosen the hell up. She could always try, I don't know, slapping herself around the face a few times and manning up. Or whatever you call manning up for a woman, god I don't know. She could always not go too and just be a pathetic whiney mortal for the rest of her short life._

_Who is this guy? If he has blonde hair resembling a super saiyan hedgehog and looks like he uses WAAAY too much spray-on tan and eyeliner you should probably get her the hell away from him as fast as you can. And DON'T hug him. Seriously. You could probably stop him by telling him I have the pictures of what happened at that hotel room in Michigan with those motorcycle riding freaks. That might work._

_Florence_

With a sigh, he reached for the next letter, tearing the envelope open and scanning the letter.

_Dear Florence,_

_I have been searching for a partner for no less than month since I started my search. It is for a con but only in the UK to do a song which requires 2 people me being the 2nd singer. You know what song I'm talking about and cosplaying as...yes you! But what should I do if I don't find a partner?_  
><em>Thank you, Teammecha<em>

_Dear Teammecha,_

_I'm afraid that the ability to read minds is not one of my specialities so no, I have no f-**EFF**-ing clue what song you're talking about. And cosplaying? Seriously, even **I'm** not that evil. And that's saying something. If you don't find a partner.. and if you're a cosplayer that's likely to be a permanent fixture FYI.. You might find someone just as insane as you at the convention. I wouldn't imagine it would be that hard._

_Enjoy your eternal virginity,_

_Florence._

With a grin at the last dig he got in, Bakura took his eyes away from the computer screen to see the mug of steaming coffee that he hadn't noticed Ryou put down. He would have shouted thank you to the boy but he knew he would get another "You're welcome Florence!" so he decided against it, instead picking up the mug and taking a sip, wincing slightly as he burnt his tongue on the boiling, brown bitter liquid.

Setting the mug back down, he ripped open the next letter.

_Dear Miss Kitty,_

_So there's a guy I might consider getting serious with, the problem is that I'm not exactly the "loving" type. In the past if a guy would touch me, I'd send him to the hospital. It's not like I MEAN to do it. It just sorta... happens. My "bad" side comes out, if you will. So... what do I do, ma'am?_  
><em>Much Love!... well kinda...<em>  
><em>Mistress o' Misery<em>

_Dear Mistress o Misery_

_You sound pretty cool, do you like knives? I like knives. They make me feel all tingly inside. Such a lovely feeling. I think you should just relax and see what happens, if you do end up putting him in the hospital, send me another letter so we can compare body counts, I could do with a worthy rival!_

_Florence._

Bakura reached for his coffee mug and took a long sip, only to gag realising it had gone stone cold. Looking at the clock, he saw it was gone 6pm, he d been sat there typing like a maniac (well he was already a maniac so he was technically just typing) but he'd been typing for around 3 hours. Figuring that would probably be enough for one day, he attached the document to the email and sent it to the address provided. Grabbing his coffee mug, he closed the lid of the laptop while complaining loudly to Ryou that he was hungry, adding that he wouldn't care if he was called Florence again as long as he got some steak.

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><p>I had more letters than this, but it was going onto around the 4th page in word and the font was only size 10 XD I don't like making chapters rediculously long so you will be tortured. TORTURED I SAY! MWAHAHA.<p>

Please keep sending Miss Kitty your letters, s/he loves to read them! ;D


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